Mountain Life in Colorado: April 2012

Friday, April 20, 2012

Time for a Change

Well, after bitching for pretty much the past few posts, and not posting much other than depressing stuff,  it's time for a change.  I'm spring cleaning myself. 
We still have snow on the ground but I can get in my car and drive 6 miles down the mountain where there is no more snow and the ground is dry.  I am taking advantage of that.  The other day I was running down by the lake and I was looking around at the mountains and the lake and I still get goosebumps with our view.  It's absolutely amazing. 
I am moving in the right directions with treatments for J and I have enlisted help from a new therapist who seems to know how to deal with adolescents.  It's his specialty.  I've realized that there is no support out there for parents dealing with this and trying to talk to friends and family is just frustrating.  Unless you are living with the difficult behavior you just really don't know what it's like. 
I've been seriously thinking of starting a support group of some sort because I know other parents are dealing with equally difficult situations.  I see it in the faces of the parents sitting across us in the waiting rooms.  Everyone tries to be all nonchalant but the pain is there. 
I feel positive and motivated and I am thankful for a break from work to focus on myself and do a little self maintenance. 
It's time. 

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Oh, The Rage

It's 11 p.m. and Jordan is finally, I think, done (which actually she wasn't and just came out to carry on a bit more). 
I'm so exhausted with her and this raging I can't even begin to describe it.  Here, I'll try. 
6-7 nights/days a week she rages.  Google bipolar rage and read all about it.  I'm too tired to try to explain it.  Plenty of others are in my shoes. 
She rules this house. 
We have a new hole in one of our doors as of tonight.
It's crazy around here. 
She's crying right now trying to get to sleep.
Her rage lasted about 4 hours tonight. 
I'm crying right now trying to figure out what the hell to do.
We have called 911 3 times over her rages.  And to someone living with bipolar this is NOTHING!
The Dr. who medicates her has told us she is now in the hospitalization stage. 
WTF!!!
My family doesn't want to deal with it nor do they want to know anything about it.  It's between my husband, me and our daughters. 
Shhhhh.    Don't talk about it. 
It's a teenage thing, or so we've been told by those that don't want to educate themselves on BIPOLAR.
I now have a therapist, and I love his wisdom.  He helps me and directs me to ask the right questions and makes me feel like I have a purpose now.  That feeling was slowly slipping away. 
J, now has a new therapist too, and hopefully he can help her.
Her meds are clearly not working.
MN was a mistake to stay so long.  We definitely overstayed our stay. 
I'm sorry Dad.  We should have left a week earlier. 
I did go for a 4 mile run today and it felt soooooo great. 
While I was home I was out with a bunch of high school friends and one guy I went to HS with, whom I haven't seen in years, told me I looked tired. 
Well pal, I am fricken tired.  You try living in rage every waking hour of your life and trying your hardest to get it under control.
I have become the crazy, cranky person I don't want to be.
Oh the rage, I'm so fricken tired of it. 

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Starting Tomorrow

Raising a 15 year old daughter has exhausted me. 
Raising a 15 year old daughter with Bipolar has completely depleted me. 
I need to blog and vent and get some support. 

I will start tomorrow.