Crybaby

I'm so weepy today.  Not sure what it is.  Could be the 8 pounds I put back on since returning from Costa Rica.  Could be the cold, snowy weather.  Could be Jordan.  Whatever it is I don't like it and I hate being all weepy.  Today in church Hannah and I were sitting by the window and I was looking out at the Gore Range just thinking and I would tear up.  I'd turn my attention back to the hymn or the reading or whatever it was time for and put it together.  The closing hymn was "This little light of mine" which was a favorite of my Mom's to belt out at the piano.  Of course, I full on cried and had to deal with it in church.  I hate crying in church because if someone sees you then they want to give you a hug or something which only makes me cry harder.  I hate that kind of attention.  So, I sat down after the song was over pretending to dig through my purse for something so I could get my sorry self back together.

  Hannah's confirmation class today was sort of a field trip.  As we were gathering after church I helped myself to a cup of coffee and said hello to a friend.  I like this friend.  She's funny and has two girls as well.  She is one of the "normal" mom's.  Anyway, I said hello and apologized for Jordan's behavior when Jordan went on her mission trip with our church.  Apparently, she was out of line for some things and those things were brought to my attention.   Her response was receptive and she was cool about it but I felt like such a failure as a mom for not raising a more mature 14 year old that can make good decisions.  I know that sounds like an oxymoron; a mature, 14 year old that can make good decisions, but there are some kids that actually do.  My 14 year old just doesn't happen to be one of those kids.  So, I got all weepy again.  We gathered the confirmation kids and figured out who was driving to Breckenridge.  On we went.

The field trip was this.  There is a couple, who attend our church, that built a Labyrinth in their backyard.  We went to see it.  It was super cool.  So cool, I want to build one in my back yard.  We have the perfect flat spot for it.  We learned about the Labyrinth then we were all welcome to walk it and were given some tools on what to say, pray about, chant , whatever as we walked it.  All of this to be done in silence.  Well, the entire time I walked the Labyrinth, my thing I said over and over, in my head, was something relating to Jordan.  Once again, I got all weepy and started to cry.  I had sunglasses on so no one knew but I really felt some sadness today.  It's been a very weird day. 
Hopefully when I get to work tonight this feeling will pass.  I'll make myself a cup of tea and get to work.  I'm looking forward to getting my mind off of this stuff.  BLAH!  Enough.