Sadness

My last post I mentioned how "surprisingly well" I was doing with the death of my mother 2 years ago.  Well, I lied.  The tears have not stopped since my brother Mike called me the minute I wrote on my facebook page about the 3 year anniversary of my Moms death.  Well, he wrote to tell me I had it wrong.
 Sis, it was 2 years ago not 3.  My heart sank.  All week I just felt something was off and I couldn't figure it out.  When I was thinking about my Mom in the hospital and that whole week that I was with her I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong.  I kept thinking why was I not sad?  I mean, I was sad but I was really trying to tell myself that I was healing.  Healing meant that the sadness was lifting.  Was I getting better at not being sad?  Was time going by, like they say, so the sadness would lift?  When Mike called and cleared me up on the 2  year anniversary of Mom's death I felt like I was reliving it all over again.  I have been sad all over and a part of me feels like I am that awful daughter I was in my teens and the guilt is overwhelming.  I am so sorry Mom for not paying attention to why I was confused when March 5th arrived.  There, another apology to my Mom and she isn't even here.  Maybe I'm just trying to rush things a bit so I can say to myself I shouldn't be so sad.  It's been 3 years after all.  You've grieved already.  Now, with the realization that it HAS ONLY BEEN 2 YEARS SINCE MOM DIED has set in I am sad, real sad.  My mom called all of us to remind us of everything.  Daylight saving's time was the big one.  Never, ever did I not receive a phone call from her the night of to remind me to turn our clocks ahead or back.  Flight times.  Never, ever did I not get a call from her to remind me what time my flight was.  In fact, she died in March of 2008 and that following June we left for Costa Rica for 2 weeks.  It was a much needed trip and I was suffering with such grief and leaving for Costa Rica was my wish.  Well, we were to fly out at 12:10am.  We showed up at the airport for our redeye and missed the plane.  It left the previous day.  If you've ever flown at midnight or later remember the day changes AT midnight and we screwed up bigtime.  It all worked out but the joke was that my Mom wasn't around to tell me and keep me straight on the flight.  She was on the ball.  Obvioulsy I have relied to much on my Mom.  So now the joke with Mike and me is that my Mom isn't here to keep me straight on my times and dates.  I guarantee.  I won't make that same mistake again.  With the redeye and the anniversary of my precious Mom's death.  2 years is just not enough time for the sadness to go away so now I feel better about being so sad.  I'm not done grieving yet.  Maybe next year I will be a little less sad.